What would you be willing to pay for a toilet seat…ten, twenty dollars tops?  How about $27,000?  Not likely, right?  Well, from the folks at Bruce Solomon Plumbing, Heating & Air, here’s a true story in our ongoing series called “On the Lighter Side.”

Enjoy!

One day, a gentleman we’ll call “Bill” wanted to change his toilet seat, but couldn't get the old one off.  So he tried wrenches…tried so hard, in fact, that he eventually rounded off the nuts…but only because he was turning them the wrong way!

Then he had a brainstorm…and of course, we’re just being polite.  Because next, he took a hammer and chisel, tapped a bit on the bolts, got nowhere, and then drew back the hammer and whaled on one of the bolts with all his might.

In the process, he broke the toilet tank and flooded his bathroom.  Immersed in cold water, he drew back in a start and dropped the hammer in the bathtub, causing a big chunk of the porcelain to pop off the tub floor. Rethinking the situation, Bill ran to the basement two floors below to shut off the main water valve…but alas, no valve was to be found.  Meanwhile, back in the bathroom, water was flooding through the floors and saturating the plaster on the ceiling below to the point it collapsed into the living room.

Old Bill, not to be outfoxed by a toilet or even a bathtub, then removed what was left of the toilet tank, and tried to remove the bowl from the floor flange.  That wouldn’t budge either, so once again he grabbed his trusty hammer and chisel, and "WHACK"…no more toilet bowl.  Problem is, no more toilet closet either, which he managed to tear off with the same mighty whack.  Since the flange was attached to a lead bend, that would now need to be replaced, as well. 

Then Bill called a plumber.  Just kidding.  Because if Bill was anything, he was one stubborn and determined dude.

So he next decided to cut out the tee in the stack where the closet bend was attached…since he had no idea how to repair old lead piping.  He thought using that nifty PVC from Home Depot would do the trick. He tried to cut the cast iron stack with a hacksaw…but alas, to no avail.  So…you guessed it…out comes the ol’ hammer and chisel again, but this time, he used a bigger hammer.

With one blow to the stack, he split it into several tiny pieces, with only one tiny piece left to hold the segment together.  Hmm, “What next?” he thought.  “By George, I’ve got it.  I’ll use my crowbar to pry the last section of solid pipe out of the wall.”  Not the best idea of his life.  Because immediately thereafter, the remaining section of pipe (the vent going through the roof) let go and came down and off the wall and through the sub floor into the now plaster-less ceiling of the living room.  It then continued its downward decent until it hit the TV set, ricocheted off the TV and through the living room floor until it hit the electrical panel, thereby plunging Bill’s home into total darkness. 

The ever-so destructive solid pipe wasn’t done yet.  Because next it sheared off the main water valve, which caused the entire basement to flood.

When all was said and done, poor Bill’s new toilet seat cost him $27,000.  And folks…this is absolutely a true story!

Check back soon for the next round of “On the Lighter Side.”

Or click here if you have a humorous story you’d like us to consider for a future edition.